


Schoolstuck

by Waterboi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: #Squad - Freeform, A joke really, Alternate Universe - High School, Boarding School, But I doubt I'll finish it, Can I go home now, Comedy, Dirk Gently Needs a Hug, Dirk Strider Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dorms, Eridan is an asshole, Everyone Has Issues, I have no idea how to tag, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inappropriate Humor, Karkat Swearing, Minor Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido, NaNoWriMo, Past Eridan Ampora/Feferi Peixes - Freeform, Please Don't Hate Me, Please Kill Me, Sharing a Room, Slay Feferi slay, Swearing, Vines, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-08-22 19:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16604459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waterboi/pseuds/Waterboi
Summary: In which the Kids and the Trolls go to the prestigious boarding school Skaia Academy, but none of them actually deserve being in the Academy. Hell, half of the squad cheated on the exams. Now that all of the kids have formed the official 'Diseased Bulge Fondler Squad' (at least, that's what Karkat called it) the fun times can really begin!Also, I added my OC (Megan Argentum) into this, but she doesn't really play that big of a part. This story is told from switching third person perspectives. Although this is meant to be comedic, this will have some more serious chapters.





	1. Eridan --> Get Caught WWith Your Gun

 

Karkat: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, FUCKASS!

 

_The yells of the angered teen, as well as the smack on the Dean Caliborn's desk, could be heard from the chair that Eridan was sitting in._

 

Eridan (mumble): Could that idiot be any less convincing

 

Dean Caliborn: YOu uSED FOuL LANGuAGE AND INSuLTED A TEACHER. 

 

Karkat: THE SACK OF SHIT DESERVED IT!  THE FUCK USED HIS LAST TWO BRAIN CELLS SOME DAMN DECADES AGO! YOU SHOULDA BULLDOZED THE SCHOOL INSTEAD OF HIRING HIM....

 

_Eridan was sure Karkat had MUCH more to say, but the secretary got up and motioned to the Dean's door._

Secretary: Dean?  _The secretary pushed Eridan into the room._ He was caught with a weapon. 

 

_Eridan walked over to Karkat ._

 

Eridan: They took my gun.

 

Karkat: DAMN!

 

Dean Caliborn: BOTH OF YOu. STOP BEING INSOLENT. YOu'RE BOTH SuSPENDED FROM SCHOOL FOR A DAY.

 

Eridan: But I havven't evven gotten a chance to-

 

Dean Caliborn: DO I LOOK LIKE A GIVE A FLYING FuCK. 

 

KARKAT: AND YOU'RE YELLING AT ME FOR SWEARING, YOU ASSRAG!

 

Dean Caliborn: BOTH OF YOu, OUT. SPEAK TO NO ONE OF THIS. OR I WILL EXPEL YOu BOTH. 

 

_The Dean pointed to the door._

 

Karkat (whisper): I GOT NOTHING MORE TO FUCKING LOSE...

 

_Karkat flips off the Dean._

 

 

Karkat: YOU'RE A BULGE SUCKING THOT!

 

Dean Caliborn: HOW EVER DID YOu FIND OuT ABOuT WHAT I DID TO YOuR MOTHER LAST NIGHT?

 

_Karkat storms out of the room, and Eridan rolls his eyes, and follows._

 


	2. Aradia ==> Let Feferi stay in the pool

Feferi: Just go, I'll meet you in mat)(! 38)

 

Aradia: are you sure you'll get in trouble O_O

 

_Feferi did a little twirl in the gym's swimming pool, and Aradia facepalmed._

 

Feferi: I'll be fine!

 

Aradia: okay O_O

 

_Aradia leaves and meets Roxy in the hallway._

 

Roxy: sup

 

Aradia: hi

 

Roxy: did you hear about karkat and eridan

 

Aradia: no what happened

 

Roxy: they both got suspended

 

Aradia: what did the idiots do now

 

Roxy: idk about eridan but i know karkat was swearing his ass off

 

Aradia: O_O

 

Aradia: that sucks

 

Roxy: ikr megans gonna kill them both

 

Aradia: yup

 

_Roxy and Aradia arrive at math class. Dave is sitting in his chair, feet on his desk, and phone in hand._

 

Dave: hi

 

Aradia: your boyfriend got himself suspended

 

Dave: hes not my boyfriend and at least i dont have to worry about him undressing me with his mind anymore and i can now focus on this wonderful math

 

_Aradia rolls her eyes, and Roxy laughs._

Dave: i wonder if i wear tighty whities or boxers in his dreams

 

Terezi: PROB4BLY N31TH3R   

 

_Terezi walks by the group of three, and sits down in the front of the class._

 

Dave: yeah youve got a point

 

_Megan walks in, waves to everyone, and sits down next to Terezi._

 

Roxy (whisper): who wants to tell her

 

Dave (whisper): not me

 

Aradia: lets just pretend like she already knows 

 

Roxy (whisper): keep it down we dont want her to think were

 

Megan: [Think what]

 

_Megan turns to face Dave, Aradia, and Roxy._

 

Roxy: um

 

Dave: karkles and eribitch got suspended

 

Megan: [............]

 

_Megan stares quietly for a while, and Aradia can feel herself starting to sweat nervously._

 

Megan: [Well then, tell both of those fucks to meet me tomorrow during study hall so they can catch up, and that I'm not going to be able to hold their hands during the exams]

 

Megan: [Actually I'll just do it]

 

_Dave, Aradia, and Roxy exchanged surprised looks._

 

Dave: okay

 

Megan: [Whats wrong]

 

Dave: we all thought youd start screaming

 

Megan: [Oh, no I'm saving that for Eridan and Karkat]

 

Dave: k then

 

_The teacher walks in to the class._

 

Teacher: Alright, as you can see I have the instructions on the board. No talking. 

 

Terezi: D4MN 

 

* * *

 

 

Gym Teacher: MS. PEXIES! GYM CLASS ENDED AN HOUR AGO! 

 

_Feferi looks at the gym teacher._

 

Feferi: Cod I stay )(ere a bit longer?

 

Gym Teacher: No, GET OUT OF THE POOL!

 

Feferi: You're no fun! 

 

_Feferi climbs out of the pool._

* * *

 

Karkat: WELL SHIT

 

Eridan: WWhat

 

Karkat: MEGAN WANTS TO SEE ME DURING STUDY HALL TOMORROW

 

_Eridan looks at the text Megan sent Karkat. He reads the last sentence._

 

Eridan: And bring Eridan wwith you

 

_Eridan goes pale._

 

Eridan: It wwas nice knowwin you

 

Karkat: WE'RE LITERALLY GOING TO GET FUCKED SIDEWAYS

 

Eridan: Tell me somethin I dont knoww 

 

Karkat: WELL I SUPPOSE THERE'S NOTHING TO DO BUT FUCKING WAIT

 

Eridan: Ill go get some Faygo

 

Karkat: MAKE IT TWO 

 

Eridan: WWhatever 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT IS FOR MY GRAMMAR NAZI ASS TO TYPE THESE CHARACTERS' WRITING QUIRKS PROPERLY
> 
> Also, if I have a quirk wrong or it's inconsistent, please point it out.


	3. Dirk ==> Tell Dave you aren't going to record Megan screaming at- lecturing Karkat and Eridan

Dave: please record it for the love of fuck

 

Dirk: Bro, you can just NOT skip study hall and record it yourself. 

 

Dave: but i dont wanna

 

Dirk: Ask somebro else.

 

Dave: fine

 

_Dave pouted as he walked away.  Dirk rolled his eyes._

 

Sollux: ready two 2ee KK and eriidan get wrecked by mg? 

 

Dirk: I don't know why you bros have to make such a big deal about it. 

 

Sollux: remember a month ago when john faiiled that te2t

 

Dirk: And then Megan made him retake it?

 

Sollux: exactly 

 

Dirk: Dave told me that Megan was pretty calm about it though. 

 

Sollux: you diidnt hear the entiire conver2ation  

 

Dirk: Point. 

 

_Dirk and Sollux arrive in the library. Karkat and Eridan are sitting at the table in the far right corner, looking very, very scared._

 

Dirk: Looks like Megan isn't here yet.

 

_Karkat notices Sollux and Dirk, and waves to them._

 

Dirk: Hey, bro. 

 

Karkat: PLEASE TELL ME MEGAN TOOK A FUCKING SICK DAY FOR FUCK'S SAKE PLEASE

 

Dirk: No, she's here. 

 

_Karkat looks visibly shaken, and Eridan sits in a chair, kissing a picture._

 

Eridan: Fef, I lovve you

 

_Eridan seems like he's about to cry._

 

Eridan: Dirk

 

Dirk: What is it?

 

Eridan: Can you tell Fef I lovve her, after Megan kills me?

 

Dirk: She's not going to fuckin' kill you, bro. Calm down.

 

Karkat: IF SHE DOESN'T END OUR SHITTY-ASS LIVES, WE'LL BOTH JUST FUCKING DIE IN THE ER WITH TWENTY FUCKING DEGREE BURNS ON NINETY PERCENT OF OUR DAMN BODIES

 

 

_The library door opens, and Megan walks in. After ignoring Karkat and Eridan for a solid day, the wicked witch of the grades walked into the library with a silent anger radiating off her._

_Megan nodded curtly at Dirk and Sollux._

 

Megan: [Hello, Dirk, Sollux]  
  


_Megan turns toward her two victims. Her prey shakes like jelly under her cold glare. Fuck, Megan was sweet and nice most of the time, but when it came to fucking grades... oh damn._

 

Megan: [So, I heard you fucktards got suspended]

 

_Megan pulls out a chair and sits down._

 

Megan: [Care to fucking explain]

 

_Eridan looks at the picture of Feferi he so strangely had, and raises his hand._

 

Eridan: I-In my defense they didn't givve me a chance to defend myself-

 

Megan: [I don't care]

 

_Megan's a monster, a monster who feeds of good grades and good records and gets absolutely vicious when they aren't supplied._

 

Megan: [You clearly did something that warranted being suspended without a proper defense]

 

_Megan takes a breath.\_

 

Megan: [Now, Karkat. I heard ALL about what happened to you.  You insulted Professor Warren, and upon your trip to the Dean's office, swore at the Dean]

 

_Karkat stares blankly._

 

Karkat: MEGAN, PLEASE HAVE MERCY-  _Megan stands up._  DON'T HURT ME PLEASE-

 

_Megan only sighs and rubs her temple._

 

Megan: [Well, I guess I'll have to give you the work you missed]

 

_Megan pulls books and papers out of her school bag._

 

Megan: [I got these from your professors. All of this was covered in class prior to your absence]

 

_Geez, even Megan's vocabulary was more intense when she was angry._

 

Megan: [All of this is due tomorrow. Fail to turn these assignments in, and I WON'T BE LETTING YOU OFF SO EASILY]

 

_Megan goes off to look at books, leaving Karkat gasping for air (Dirk assumed he had held his breath) and Eridan shivering in fear, looking over the papers._

 

Eridan: WWe just had a close call wwith death

 

Karkat: TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW, BITCHFACE

 

_Megan's footsteps were getting louder. The two noticed this and scrambled to look like they were doing something productive._

 

Megan: [Huh. I coulda sworn I heard TALKING]

 

_Megan looks at Dirk and Sollux, who both sat over books, not daring to make a peep._

 

Megan: [I have to leave, I got my dance lessons with Professor Hallowell. Could you both make sure these two idiots stay on task]

 

_Dirk, afraid to say no, nodded._

 

Dirk: Um, sure. Have fun, bro. 

 

_Megan waves as she walks out of the library._

 

Sollux: 2he'2 gonna kiill all of u2 one day

 

Dirk: I can see that happening.

 

Sollux: what do you thiink we wiill need to defeat her

 

Dirk: A piece of bromework that only got nine out of ten. 

 

Sollux: yeah

* * *

 


	4. Vriska ==> Plot to Place a 8om8 in the Dean's Office

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imma start switching perspectives in-chapter. Also, text messages will be underlined. If you know how the fuck one puts Pesterchum text in one of these, please comment.

 

_Vriska sat in her dorm room, holding the spherical explosive in her hands, as if it were a toy and not an explosive._

 

Vriska: Now, how am I going to get this into the Dean's place?

 

_Vriska's dorm mate, Terezi, sniffed the air._

 

Terezi: WHY DO YOU H4V3 4 BOMB??

 

Vriska: I just do. 

 

Terezi: YOUR3 GO1NG TO DO SOM3TH1NG B4D 4R3NT YOU??

 

Vriska: Very 8ad. 

 

_Vriska stands up, and places the bomb in her desk drawer._

 

Vriska: If you want in on it, meet me here at seven. 

 

_Terezi stands dumbfounded as Vriska leaves._

 

**BE TEREZI == > ** _  
_

 

Terezi: M1GHT 4S W3LL

 

_Terezi walks to Vriska's desk._

 

Terezi: 1'D T4K3 1T BUT TH3N VR1SK4 WOULD F1GUR3 1T OUT 

 

_Terezi leaves her dorm._

 

Therese: 1M HUNGRY 

 

Terezi: N33D FOOD

 

_Terezi arrives in the dorm kitchen, where John sits at the table._

 

John: wassup? 

 

Terezi: V1RSK4 H4S 4 BOMB

 

_Before Terezi can stop herself, she tells John about Vriska's ploy._

 

John:  are you serious???

 

_Terezi nods._

 

John: i knew vriska hated school but i didn't think she hated it that much. 

 

Terezi: L3TS JO1N H3R

 

John: what???

 

Terezi: VR1SK4 S41D 1F 1 W4NT3D TO GO W1TH H3R 1 SHOULD M33T H3R 1N OUR DORM 4T 7

 

Terezi: WH4T DO YOU S4Y

 

_John hesitates for a moment._

 

John: um....... sure i guess???

 

Terezi: Y4Y M33T M3 1N MY DORM 4T 7 

 

John: okay....

 

 

**BE JOHN == >**

 

_John wonders what the fuck he just agreed to. Terezi grabs food from the fridge and leaves, probably to go hang more stuffed animals or whatever weird shit she does in her free time._

 

_John's phone buzzes._

 

Sollux: KK and eriidan ju2t got theiir a22e22 beat 

 

John: oh fuck. 

 

_Sollux sends John a video._

 

John: what the actual fuck is this???

 

John: i heard that karkat and eridan got suspended but geez... megan shows no mercy.

 

Sollux: ii know riight 

 

John: how did you record this without megan fucking you up for having your phone out?

 

Sollux: 2he wa2 two mad at KK and eriidan two care 

 

John: oof.

 

Sollux: thii2 ii2 why we dont fuck around duriing cla22 

 

Sollux: or mg wiill get pii22ed 

 

John: right. 

 

Sollux: iim goiing

 

John: bye.

 

_John turned off his phone, and went upstairs to his dorm._

 

John: jakes not here?

 

John: huh.

 

_John throws himself on his bed, and before he knows it, falls asleep._

 

 

 

 


	5. Dave ==> have your birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making this a day early because I won't be able to on Monday. I missed Jade's birthday, so this is to make up for that!   
> Happy Birthday, you sick Strider!

Dave: my bday has arrived 

 

Dave: finally

 

_Dave rolls out of bed, and puts on his shades. He gets dressed and leaves his dorm.  Dave's dorm mate, Dirk, waves to him as he walks into the common room._

 

Dirk: Happy Birthday. 

 

Dave: thanks 

 

 

Dirk: Do you like chocolate?

 

Dave: yeah why

 

Dirk: Just wondering. 

 

Dave: oh ok

 

Dirk: Did Sollux send you that recording yet?

 

Dave: yea

 

Dirk: Ok, good.  I didn't even know he had recorded it until he sent it to me. 

 

Dave: i wanted megan to scream more damn it

 

Dirk: We all thought she would. Now, me and Jane made you a cake-

 

Dave: cake 

 

Dave: CAKE

 

Dirk: You can have it after school. 

 

Dave: YAY THANKS

 

Dirk: Sure. 

 

**APPROXIMATELY SEVEN HOURS LATER == > **

 

Dave: CAKE 

 

_Dave runs into the kitchen, and Dirk and Jane follow, laughing._

 

Dave: COME TO DADDY

 

Jane: D-Daddy...?

 

Dirk: Just let him dream. 

 

Jane: You're right. 

 

_Dave  grabs a fork from the kitchen drawer and starts eating the cake, not even stopping to breath._

 

Dirk: Oh wow, he's having a go at it. 

 

Jane: Maybe we should have cut the cake before we told him about it...

 

Dirk: I'm honestly just glad we didn't bother with candles. 

 

Jane: Or frosting words. He wouldn't have even noticed them. 

 

Dirk: He's already done...

 

Dave: OH MY GOD THAT WAS THE BEST THING IVE EVER EATEN THANK YOUUUU

 

Dirk: Anytime... 

 

Jane: Yeah, anytime... 

 

Dave: whats wrong

 

Dirk: Huh? We're fine...

 

_Jane nods vigorously\_

 

Dave: ...................................


End file.
